Feminists Get it All: the Ring, Great Sex, and a Great Marriage.

In the age of Beyoncé, Oprah, Hilary Clinton, and Michelle Obama, feminism is a foregone conclusion. With that said, some women believe that the feminist movement stands in the way of them finding a husband so they do not embrace it. My article this week is an attempt to persuade you otherwise.

A cousin or friend once said to me that she was not down with the women's liberation thing which prompted a discussion about men being the head of the household and feminism preventing this from happening. To that I say, these people clearly have not been around many real men, #NoShade.

Real power is non-negotiable. Real men and real women do not engage in power struggles. This is not just me and my big mouth sparking debate. Read his book more closely, or listen to Steve Harvey regularly, and he will hip you to these same pearls of wisdom. Another author who initiated the reasons why "He's Just Not that Into You," Greg Behrendt, says the same thing. When a man is ready to be a real man with the lady he's into, then he will undoubtedly give her his heart.

So here's where women trip themselves up in my opinion. By not being a feminist, which means you believe in the social, sexual, and economic equality of women, you make the process of finding a husband longer than it needs to be. When a man is looking for a wife, he is looking for a partner that is his equal to create a life with. If the person you are with has not proposed to you, bought you a ring, and made you his wife, then you are simply not his equal. This statement goes both ways; you can be on a lower playing field than him or a higher one. The key is to not take it personally wherever you fall in his eyes and to keep it moving.

As a life coach to mostly women, I have seen a pattern in the women who wind up married or in lifetime committed relationships. They are women with purpose, strength, and they do not budge. This is where you will feel the urge to remind me of how purposeful and strong you are. To that I say, I agree. However, that guy you were with was not your equal, or you budged, and now you're taking things too personally which prevents you from moving on to finding a life mate.

Marriage is serious business, and I do mean business. In Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Committed, she gives a history of marriage pointing out the business-like endeavor it originated as. Two people were committing to combine their resources, their earning potential, and their genes for life to build something better than the two of them were separately. Most stay at home wives work just as hard as any woman who goes to work for a paycheck. The difference is she doesn't get a paycheck. If you're not a good worker, then you won't make a good spouse.

There are high divorce rates in America, and with the long overdue legalization of same sex marriage those numbers will rise if people continue to get married without taking this concept into consideration. The intention of marriage is for increase. Love is the marketing used to get the final result, and/or possibly the bonus after the final result. Either way, the coming together of two souls in a lifetime commitment is simply for increase.

ALERT! BRACE YOURSELF: If you are not married, it is probably because you do not want to be. Maybe you just don't want to work that hard in life. This may be the point where you unfollow me, start a debate with me, or make plans to bash, or discredit me. Try your best to resist that simple way of thinking. I am 43 this year. I am on the cusp of having spent more years in life with my hubby than not. He has spent half his life with me. It is not luck. I am a nerd. I study for fun, and I have certainly studied relationships. I have studied my own marriage more than anything. It is hard work.

We have had some rough patches which is normal for friends, lovers, and partners. I don't have one single relationship in my life that has not had friction. My human-ness makes that inevitable. However, when it comes to the commitment of marriage, it has a distinction because in our society married couples live together, raise kids together, and for the most part sleep together. Our money, credit, child rearing, sexual health, and tax liability can be tied to another person for life. This is in fact serious business. That's why my marriage is different from my friendships, or my family relations. I work harder for it to be a success than anything. I am committed to increase.

I was talking to a new friend who said she would be alone for the rest of her life if something happened to her husband. I remember another friend many decades ago not wanting to give her husband a divorce so she could continue to lay claims to his social security. This is simply lack consciousness. When I met my hubby I had a kid. To this day, I have never had a penny, nickel, dime, or quarter of child support from her DNA dad. My point of view was that he should be honored and willing to assist in the raising of my princess. If he wasn't, then he wasn't worthy of her. I had an increase mentality, a benefit of starting from the bottom. There is really nowhere to go but up.

I knew I was the marrying kind, and I also knew I would be an asset to someone. As a young chick I would often say to my friends that my guy had to have money so he wouldn't need to ask for mine. I said this as I watched them and my mother pay for dates, buy guys clothes, or loan men money for so called emergencies. Men who require that of women are not your equal. Women who require that are clearly not equals to the men they want to marry. If you view marriage as some sort of paid vacation in your mind, then it is not for you. In reality, it is the hardest volunteer gig ever invented. Though the service can definitely be its own reward, you also get love, friendship, companionship, adventure, loyalty, and a legacy as a bonus. Increase mentality begets increase living.

I believe men want feminism more than most women. As the mom to three boys, whom I tell to be prepared to pay for dates without expecting anything in return because it is an honor to be in a lady's presence, I also tell them to make certain the girl is worth their time, energy, and commitment. I have one son dating right now, and he works really hard for his paycheck. For him to waste his resources on a young lady who cannot match his hustle, intelligence, and potential would mean I didn't do my job correctly.

So here's the caveat. Dating relationships often involve sex. Unfortunately women equate sex with love. Sex feels good, and I am a huge fan of great sex. However, sex feels good to men physically first, then emotionally. For women, it is the opposite, emotions occur first, then it physically feels good, if it ever does, and therein lies the rub. Love involves emotions. Women simply have been crossing the wrong wires. If you are choosing to have casual sex with someone, then the emotion you should bring to the relationship is one of physical appreciation and adventure, not love.

Patti Stanger has a rule for men and especially women, "No sex before monogamy." Steve Harvey instructs his followers to invoke a 90-day waiting period before giving up the 'cookie.' Greg Behrendt laments, "Don't waste the pretty." All these hard and fast rules are for the protection of women's self-esteem. Which goes back to what I said about not budging. Self-esteem is what allows one to stick to one's standards.

Women are as delicate emotionally as they are head strong. The key to getting the ring is to never settle. Now, I don't mean have a long list of requirements. We are, after all, part of the human race. We are all flawed. But flawed people are reserving banquet halls and having cake tastings every day. The ones that are, usually are people who come to a relationship with a modicum of healthy self-esteem.

Yep, that is another ALERT. You may not be married because your self-esteem is too low. Mergers and acquisitions require a certain level of intelligence to be successful. It is a sad thing to be unintelligent about oneself. You are the very thing you need to have at least 10,000 hours of training and education in. You must know yourself before you can even hope of giving yourself away to someone else for a lifetime commitment. The high divorce rate exists because people lose themselves in bad marriages all the time.

This proves how easy it is to get married. The wrong people are doing it every day, why not you? It is because God is giving you grace. Those people who are on their third marriage have very healthy self-esteem. You really have to know yourself to get a divorce after 72 days, get engaged, and pop out a kid before the divorce is even final. It means your self-esteem is high enough to stand up to the scrutiny that is sure to come. You, however, do not possess that self-esteem level nor do you need it if you just want to get married once like I did. With that said, I told my friend, "please, I'm looking for my second husband every day if, God forbid, something happens to my present hubby." I am not wasting my pretty, my cookies, or the asset that is my monogamy. The mandate for a blessed life is, "be fruitful and multiply." If you are focused on being lazy, greedy, creating division, and hoarding your assets then you will experience the opposite of a blessed life, married or not.

So here's your homework. Go to Netflix or Amazon and get the movies, Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride, Mona Lisa Smile, and  My Best Friend's Wedding. You will get a lesson in personal worth, knowledge of self, feminism, and the concept of marital increase from these four movies respectively. Julia Roberts, a great actress, is smart, flirtatious, and easy on the eyes so she will be a great teacher for these marital requirements if being married is one of your long term goals.

Leave your questions and comments below, and dare to share your journey with our community. Love knows no pride; trust me on that one.

Take care of you,
Joe.

Confederate Flag Debate

One kid ago when I lived in Chicago, I took my kids to Pottawattomie Park for kid's yoga class. The Potawatomi Indians were one of nine tribal groups living around the Great Lakes according to the history provided by the park district's website. It states, "The tribe was nevertheless forced from the area after the Blackhawk War of 1832."
No, this is not another opportunity to mention the championship Blackhawks and one of the best summers of my life going from Mt. Shasta to Boston to New York and back to Missouri. Instead, I come to share some lessons.
While at the field house every week the kids noticed the artwork in the chandelier contained swastikas, yep, those highly recognized symbols of Nazi hate. What we learned that day was that the swastika predates Hitler. It is a Native American symbol used in a lot of artwork. Swastika is Sanskrit, meaning "well-being."
Symbols are used to represent something else. They are a quick reference to remember a message or an event. I have a dreamcatcher tattoo to symbolize my Native American heritage, the name of my husband's first company, and that I have the power within me to keep negativity away. Three meanings for one symbol.
I have another tattoo of the symbol that Prince used as his name for a time. Though the glyph, has an ancient meaning, for me, it again symbolizes three things: an artist's right to own the property they create, the fact that I am a huge fan of Prince, and a story about my grandmother leaving the house to go see an R rated movie which happened to be Purple Rain. I see this story as her small act against her own oppression, again one symbol with so many meanings.
Some of you may be surprised to learn that I have a confederate flag right here in my living room. It is on a piece of artwork that shows the book, Gone with the Wind which is my favorite movie of all times. The extent of contradictions that exist in my world are too vast even for me to write about. However, it is safe to say, I am not from the south, nor am I a racist white extremist. I am intelligent enough to know what the prominent meaning of the flag as a symbol is. It was used to convey a preferred time and way of life in American history. Unfortunately some extremists used this symbol to label their hatred against those whom they believe sparked a change to that way of life. And yet here it is, a symbol of hatred in my peace filled home.
Here's a story within a story. My mother took me to the movies to see Song of the South. I loved this movie, and the memory of her taking me to the movies has of course stayed with me. It is a love that I share with my children and now my reader audience as often as I can. One kid ago, I searched high and low for a copy of this movie so I could share it with my kids. The story of Brer Rabbit, like Scarlet O'Hara, always able to think their way out of a jam speaks to who I am as a person. Hattie McDaniel, the first black Oscar winner is in both movies, but I'll stop with all the God coincidences and try to make my point.
When I first moved to West Plains, MO. I had no concern for racism because those of us who grew up in Chicago know what brazen racism is capable of. It is with Chicago confidence that I do most things including doing a u-turn in my car when I saw a store sign that said "copies of Song of the South for $5." I parked right in front and went in to buy my copy intending to show my kids the movie that night with some popcorn. The store was like a museum of sorts. It had Gone with the Wind movie memorabilia which I loved, but it also had Aunt Jemima cookie jars, confederate flag cookie jars among other things, and lots of negative stereotypical memorabilia.
The store clerk was as nice as can be and we had a great conversation while I looked around and took it all in. It may not have shown on my face or in my demeanor, but I was shocked that the movie I loved was for sale in this type of establishment that clearly stood for a certain way of life in America. I made my purchases and then went home to do some research. I learned that Song of the South and Gone with the Wind were movies that were heavily protested by the NAACP. I learned that Hattie McDaniel, along with the other black actors from the movie, was not allowed in the theater where the film premiered in Atlanta on Peachtree street. Might I add that Margaret Mitchell, the author of the book, Gone with the Wind was hit by a car on Peachtree street while crossing to go see a movie many years later. She later died from those injuries. After doing my research, I put the movie away in storage and my kids have never seen Uncle Remus tell stories about Brer Rabbit.
Please don't mistake me as a black woman who is impressed by the actions of the NAACP. I think their time has come as well. An organization without the forethought to take the words "colored people" out of their name does not represent me. PBS has done more for the advancement of black people from my point of view. Forgive my digress, but the conversation of race has covered a lot of areas in the headlines lately. Clearly it is all connected to a greater agenda.
I didn't show my kids the movie because I didn't have the energy to create a whole lesson plan around what I learned to ensure they walked away with the best understanding of cultural images with regard to racism. This was something I had to do for my kids with other movies, TV shows, rap music, commercials, and even cartoons. It can be exhausting raising forward thinking citizens. With that said, adults are supposed to already have been raised. Intelligent adults know how to gather information, read, and interpret data to make a discerning decision for the good of society. And that is why you will see less and less of those symbols that are not good for a global society. No matter their intended purpose the predominant intention is what matters.
A short time after my initial visit I did want to give my sister and husband a history lesson so I took them back to the store to show them around. Maybe I just wanted the store clerk to see the progress that my family represents, who knows. Well the store was gone, not moved, but gone.
I am fond of another symbol that stems from a checkered past. I wear the sign of the cross as jewelry, and it will become part of my next tattoo. The cross was a tool used to crucify Jesus, a man of peace and love believed to be the son of God. Jesus taught the world that there is no separation between us and God, and for daring to do that in a world that profits from separation, he was crucified. So why do so many people see the symbol that was used as a death tool as a source of inspiration? Believers of Christ accept the account that Jesus rose from death which demonstrates that the cross had no power over him. Thus Christianity was born, then remade to fit into religious parameters that do what religion does, separate. Having said that, some still see the symbol of the cross as proof that Jesus lives or that his teachings live. It has become a positive symbol. The greater power behind a symbol will always be the victor in the battle of interpretation.
The confederate flag must not be made in America, sold in America, or displayed on property used for the care and keeping of America. As an American, you can keep it on your cars, on your front porch, and even in your living room like me. The way of life that supported oppression lost The Civil War and is now gone, not moved, but gone with the wind.