I grew up in a huge family. My cousins and I were raised together like siblings. I was named after my aunt so everyone refers to me as Lil' Joe even my cousins who are younger than me. My mother is 1 of 10 kids. So birthday parties, fish fry Fridays, card games, reunions, church teas, Halloween parties, and big spreads for holidays and graduations were the norm. As a result, Lil' Joe is extremely social. I also make friends quickly. Being from the sign of Cancer makes me a moon child which translates to highly emotional. To say it in as few words as possible, I love hard. I feel everything deeply. Joy, pain, anger, and sadness are emotions that linger longer for me than someone else who may be of a different zodiac sign. When I make friends I make them for life. Now I aspire to make some 'for now' friendships.
At the age of almost 42, I find myself with a void in the friendship department. My research has taught me that this is normal for my age group. Relationships go through stages that require re-evaluation as life changes take place. Some of my friends are in new relationships or ending one, have new babies, have lost a parent, are creating new businesses or new careers. A few are flaky, shady, dysfunctional, and disloyal. None of these things matter for me as I am somehow great at handling multiple relationships at one time. I make every event I am invited to. I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and I love to celebrate major life changes. I manage people well because I am not judgmental, and I trust myself. My rule is that if I trust myself then I don't need to trust anyone else.
However, here I sit with a void. Well not really. I am just in need of some fresh new relationships. I recently read about an anthropologist named Robert Dunbar who believes the size of a one's brain determines the number of relationships one can maintain (that rhymed). Last year during a Lifeclass episode with Oprah and T. D. Jakes, the genius preacher said something so profound it sums up my present state. The show was about mending relationships. Oprah asked him when is it time to end a relationship to which he basically said that if you're a person with a ten gallon capacity hanging around people with a pint size capacity then the relationship won't last. It reminded me of something I heard him say at a conference on the same subject. He said, "If you're the smartest one in your group then it may be time for you to get a new group." I am in need of new groups.
A small minded person would think I just called all my friends stupid, but that would not be your first thought if you knew me. I am magnificently brilliant. So at the very least my friends even the shady ones are interesting, smart, cute, and fun people. I am just all those things and then some. So I require more stimulation than the average Joe. I decided that in 2014 I would pursue some fresh friendships. I am not looking for a new best friend because I have had some great friendships in my life. I feel like if I went in search of a new, awesome, soul mate type of friendship then I would just be a greedy person. My best friend died in a car accident when we were 20, and we considered each other soul mates. If that was my only friendship then it would have been enough. It certainly has lasted despite her death. Everyday at 7:11, I look at the clock and know that she has just said hi to me whether it is morning or evening. She, like me, was a July Cancer. Her birthday was July 11th.
My other best friend and I have been friends for almost thirty years. I have another friendship that was formed in the womb. Our mothers were friends as kids and got pregnant during the same time so we were always thrown together as friends throughout the years. My friends from life coach school and I have been besties for 13+ years now. I made friends at work and am still friends with at least two former co-workers that accounts for a 14 year friendship and a 20 year friendship; she just became a new grandmother, talk about life changes. I have a friend that I met when we were both soccer moms rooting for our boys who were the star players on the same team. That friendship has endured for 9 years now. She met her soul mate online, got married, and moved to a new town to create a great new life. I have more than my share of great friendships. Maybe I am greedy and spoiled. I just want someone to get together with socially on a regular basis. We don't have to complete each other.
On that note, there is always my hubby. Who is truly my best friend and soul mate. Then I have my awesome kids. Another one of my rules is that women should not give birth to their friends. So while I can hang with my kids, and we have great laughs and great times, they are not my friends. I was blessed with two younger sisters and we are friends. But those relationships have changed as well. I remember back in the day there was a TV show called Sisters that we never missed. The thing is I have always been a caretaker for my sisters. I have recently learned that everyone is more comfortable with me being in the caretaker role more than in the friend role. Sometimes I need a friend who can take care of my needs whether it is a need to vent and whine, get drunk and party, or travel and go on adventures with. Trying to do this with my sisters almost went into the same realm as if I were kickin' it with my kids. For some people in my life, I do not have the luxury of showing weakness. So while everyone is in transition mode, I am going to the movies alone, watching The Housewives alone, and sitting outside of karate alone.
My hubby has his golf group, his brothers are all older so he can lean on them if needed, and he talks to his business partners everyday for work ideas and projects. When you're a stay at home mom going through the same school lessons for the fifth time, it can become a bit un-stimulating. Writers keep conversations going all the time in their heads. I need to get out of my own head for stimulation. On laundry day, I pass the time by getting into some great debates with strangers in online message boards about current events, but I desire something more. I want more social friendships. Maybe I am meant to become a socialite.
So here I am in 2014 on a mission to get in some friendship dating by putting myself out there. I go to charity events, workout classes, and kid activities trying to bond or click with other women and moms. But nothing has stuck. I went to see Beyonce' with my trainer, and we are becoming friends, but time does not allow for development of a social connection. I went to Vegas to see Maroon 5 with my massage therapist, but we are now in two different cities. I used to have a weekly appointment with an awesome hair stylist that I considered a friend for 8 years, but now that my hair has fallen out from thyroid issues, I haven't reached out socially. I was even good friends with my nanny back in the day, but she got married and the relationship changed. Making and keeping friends is easy but getting together regularly, not so much.
Relationships change and people's priorities adjust because of it. So what is a girl to do specifically to find friends? I went in search of a friendship dating service and I found one, GirlfriendSocial.com to be exact. A women only, for friendship purposes only website for finding a new friend anywhere in the world. On top of that, I also found a new book to read called, MWF seeking BFF. It is a quirky book about a woman seeking friendship in Chicago. She goes on 52 friendship dates to find the one. She meets up with someone from work, book clubs, workout classes, or recommended by other friends every week for a year. She got enough material for a book so it goes without saying that my blogging may get busier while I am friendship dating.
So far I have reached out to other friend seekers from St. Louis, Chicago, and London (which I am considering moving to within the next ten years). The website is free and run by volunteers. I am considering becoming a guest blogger on their website as well as an event host. I would coordinate gatherings for the ladies from the site to get together to fill that social void. No networking, strictly platonic, safe friendship dating. We all know I can throw an awesome party in my sleep. So exciting times ahead for this Mogul Mom.
I will wrap with a recap of my January. I was off to Harvard for a writing class that I needed to matriculate as a degree candidate. I braved the east coast weather and travel dramas for 3 weeks, wrote two great essays, and made friends. We laughed everyday in class. It was awesome. The teacher who was equally brilliant, awesome, and fun had us tell the story of our name as an ice breaker. By the end of our first week of ice breaking, everyone was calling me Lil' Joe. Meeting with them everyday brought back memories of the good times I used to have with my employees in my café everyday. Maybe this is what sparked my friendship search. I desire to have a group of friends that I see regularly for common interest that I can laugh with, share dramas with, and enjoy the things that make life worth living.
We finished up the last day of class by meeting at a bar called John Harvard Brew House. The bar had delicious food (shepherd's pie and bread pudding omg!), top shelf drinks that were not watered down for those 21 and over, and more laughs. I am convinced that one classmate will be my daughter in law one day. Another was a former marine back home from Afghanistan getting a degree, a med student from Korea, some highly adept computer hackers tackling Harvard's educational system, another Korean student whose dad was teaching at Harvard, an MIT employee, and a cool lady who works in the emergency room and already has her Master's degree by way of a portfolio application. She just wants to get her bachelor's to complete her degrees list.
I found my college bar in Boston and everyone knew my name like an episode of Cheers. I was definitely not the smartest one in this group and it was awesome. However, the group confessed that they all agreed if anyone would get an 'A' in class it was going to be Lil' Joe. Of course I got a well earned 'A'. I had to tear myself away from the good libation, delicious food, and awesome conversation so I could catch my plane and get back home to my first priority which is my family, but we had fun while it lasted. A few of us are going to try to get in the same class together for the summer session.
Despite the weather, my January was as sunny as can be. My only resolution is to create some fresh new friendships. I need a workout buddy, a brunch buddy, a fellow TV and pop culture junkie to gab with, a mom friend, and my husband and I need a new couple friendship. I am speed reading through this book because the writer has too many insecurities to be interesting. I just want to see how it ends and get some friendship dating ideas. I may start an investment club or a book club. The website is going to be great for my career if it affords me the chance to practice my writing and speaking skills should I volunteer to blog or host events. So far, I have started conversing with two potential friends. I will keep chatting online for about 3 months before I get together with anyone.
I will hopefully have new pictures and articles to post from some great February events that are on my calendar. Until then . . .
Take care of you.
