The Power Couple

     I would be the first to admit that marriage is a motherfucker. It is actually the title of one of my infamous playlists. (For those that don't know, I create playlist to deal with stress). But all in all, I must admit marriage is a blessing. Anyone who has been in business, worked on a team at their place of employment, or possibly was broken off into groups in a school setting to work together as a team, will appreciate my points. Marriage may be a motherfucker, but it is definitely a partnership. Imagine an institution designed so you will never be alone, have financial perks and tax breaks, and you get to have sex with a person whenever you want. Uh, pump those brakes. You did read that correctly. Marriage is a motherfucker. Though it may appear to have been designed this way, marriage is hardly any of these things.



Joe's 35th Birthday Party . . . on a boat.

       Marriage is some of the hardest work you will ever have to do in this lifetime besides working on oneself. This is the reason why it is even more important that you have worked out most of your issues before getting married. Once you are part of a team for life then your issues get multiplied by 2 simply because you have to consider another person. Don't get me started on parenthood. That will be for another blog at another time.

     Tyler Perry made a movie entitled, "Why Did I Get Married." I suggest everyone asks themselves this question before the nuptials, "Why am I getting married?" I do believe most people get married for love and then upon realizing that love is not enough they try to figure things out within the dynamics of the marriage. When I got married, I definitely loved Gregory and wanted to be with him. However, we were already living together and had a kid at the time so it is not as if either of us were leaving the other's life anytime soon. The reason I got married was because I wanted to go to Vegas.

     Yep, you heard me. Greg and I had a big fight a week before we got married. I was telling him that I wanted us to get on the same page in the relationship. I wanted to know what the plan was for our future together. I am a planner and he is not. When I wake up in the morning I know exactly what I am going to do for the day. When Greg wakes up in the morning he makes up his day as he goes along. After the argument, he bought a ring from a pawn shop; called my dad and got his blessing, and then asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas to get married. I admit that I stopped listening to him after the word Vegas.



     In Gregory's mind, he was solving the problem. In my mind, I was probably planning to hit it big in Vegas and then move out. The same issues we had before we got married, we had after we got married. The trip and the planning of it just seemed to have put the argument on hold. Sure enough, we resumed said argument in the airport in Vegas on the way back home. I told Gregory that as soon as I got home I was getting an annulment (This was not the last of our airport telenovelas).

     We have been together 19 years and we still have the same argument from that day. I ask him, "Are we decorating for Christmas?" "Are we going to stay home or travel for the holidays?" "Who do you want to send gifts to for business or family?" I ask these questions because I am a planner and a budgeter. I budget my money and my time. His response is, "I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead." Later that day, my son brings in the mail and there is a postcard from a company that will string your lights on the house for you. Greg calls the company; they come out the next day, and there the decision is made that we are staying home for the holidays. The decorations are done . . . in his mind. In my mind, the conversation has not yet been had. 

      And this folks is what goes on in marriages all across the land: two conversations, two plans, and two very different ways of doing things. There was a time when my feelings would have been hurt because the conversation was left unfinished. I would have felt discounted and unheard. Today that will not be the case. Today if he goes ahead and spends that money on the lights, and we do finish the conversation, and together decide not to stay home then so be it. If I decide I want to travel and he decides he does not then so be it. Today we know that we could even spend Christmas apart from each other, and we would be fine. Back in the day however, I would have sworn he didn't love me, and I wasn't a priority. We have learned over almost two decades of partnership that my issues are not his, and his issues are not mine.

     The thing to note is that marriage is more of a merger than a partnership. 50/50 is not going to cut it for marriage. What would be the point? Two halves joining forces to make a whole is no guarantee of success. The reason is this. Under this framework, if I am having an off day and he is having an off day at the same time, which happens, then we may wind up with 50% energy and effort. Well hell, I can be alone and give my own life 50% energy. Now this may not matter when it comes to dirty dishes in the sink, but when you are a saver and she is a spender, it will matter big time should you join your monies.

     Under the merger dynamic, the goal is to bring together two thriving conglomerates in order to create a super power. No one should get married if he or she is not strong in mind, body, and spirit. You would be better off staying single. Why ruin two lives?

     Tyler Perry made another movie entitled, "I Can Do Bad by Myself." I definitely subscribe to this philosophy. Early in my marriage, I think I left Gregory every October and went back home to my mom's place. Every October like clockwork as the end of the year approached, I surmised that I needed my life to have meaning and depth. If I felt like we as a couple were in rut, I left said rut and bolted for the door. Hell, I could be stale and boring alone, and I always learned that it was me being stale and boring in my own life. There was even one year when we almost did not make it back for the rebuild, and divorce was eminent. Yet rebuild we did to become stronger than ever until we weren't.

Last year cooking for Thanksgiving listening to Tamar Braxton's song, "Love and War," I cried all kinds of tears into the mashed potatoes. By Christmas, I decided we should get a divorce to which Gregory replied, "Okay." He said, "you are always trying to leave me so okay." He took the kids to the weekend house, and I was home alone with myself. It didn't take long before we were texting and calling each other. Sitting at home in complete silence of course led me to the Internet. It was there that I dealt with the frustration I was having that I blamed on my marriage.

     The truth was that I had felt small knots on my neck and worried that some form of cancer was coming back. I have no thyroid so it couldn't be thyroid cancer again. On the Internet, I learned that lymphedema is common is cancer survivors so needless to say I was relieved because all signs pointed towards that. While on the Internet, I found out about the Mt. Shasta climb which I signed up for and completed this June. I learned that lymphedema is helped by massage. So not needing too much of a reason, I increased my monthly appointments to the Four Seasons Spa. After dealing with what was stressing me out, a few massages, and something exciting to look forward to, I was ready to be married again.

          So here we are one year later more in love than ever. Marriage is still a motherfucker, but then again so is working out, house training two puppies (another blog another time), and driving in city traffic. The difference is within a marriage it is easier to blame the other person involved than it is to look at oneself and ask, "what's your problem."

      I, unlike Oprah, have never had a problem with the famous line from Jerry Maguire, "you complete me." If you have learned like I learned over almost two decades, marriage can complete you. When I am not at 100%, my husband fills my gaps and makes me a whole person and then some. The key to a great marriage is to never allow yourself to fall below 80% as an individual because then the marriage merger suffers. I feel that if you are at 80% then you are a thriving individual in life. So if within the marriage both people stay above that line then at the very least we will be at 160%. Just a little bit more than one and a half person.

     A power couple consists of two people in the 90% range at all times. This looks like me being strong in mind, body, and spirit and so is my partner. This means I can go far alone, like say 11,100 feet up a mountain on the west coast. However being part of a power couple means that I will have help to limp through three airports, with two kids, and make it to my first day of summer classes on time on the east coast two days later. Which we did.

     Later this month, we are traveling to Florida (boycott ended) for a wedding. I feel like I get the best of both worlds. I get to travel at holiday time and then I get to come back home and spend more holiday time chillin' with the family. More perks and benefits from a successful merger.

     It will be a second try at marriage for the couple whose wedding we are attending. My prayer for them will be that as they come together for their second marriages they will do so as whole and secure individuals first. Doing so will make the union stronger for the long haul. I myself have learned this lesson from my 2nd, 3rd, 4th and now 17th marriage. I have just recreated wedded bliss with the same person over all these years.

Take care of you 1st!