The Power Couple

     I would be the first to admit that marriage is a motherfucker. It is actually the title of one of my infamous playlists. (For those that don't know, I create playlist to deal with stress). But all in all, I must admit marriage is a blessing. Anyone who has been in business, worked on a team at their place of employment, or possibly was broken off into groups in a school setting to work together as a team, will appreciate my points. Marriage may be a motherfucker, but it is definitely a partnership. Imagine an institution designed so you will never be alone, have financial perks and tax breaks, and you get to have sex with a person whenever you want. Uh, pump those brakes. You did read that correctly. Marriage is a motherfucker. Though it may appear to have been designed this way, marriage is hardly any of these things.



Joe's 35th Birthday Party . . . on a boat.

       Marriage is some of the hardest work you will ever have to do in this lifetime besides working on oneself. This is the reason why it is even more important that you have worked out most of your issues before getting married. Once you are part of a team for life then your issues get multiplied by 2 simply because you have to consider another person. Don't get me started on parenthood. That will be for another blog at another time.

     Tyler Perry made a movie entitled, "Why Did I Get Married." I suggest everyone asks themselves this question before the nuptials, "Why am I getting married?" I do believe most people get married for love and then upon realizing that love is not enough they try to figure things out within the dynamics of the marriage. When I got married, I definitely loved Gregory and wanted to be with him. However, we were already living together and had a kid at the time so it is not as if either of us were leaving the other's life anytime soon. The reason I got married was because I wanted to go to Vegas.

     Yep, you heard me. Greg and I had a big fight a week before we got married. I was telling him that I wanted us to get on the same page in the relationship. I wanted to know what the plan was for our future together. I am a planner and he is not. When I wake up in the morning I know exactly what I am going to do for the day. When Greg wakes up in the morning he makes up his day as he goes along. After the argument, he bought a ring from a pawn shop; called my dad and got his blessing, and then asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas to get married. I admit that I stopped listening to him after the word Vegas.



     In Gregory's mind, he was solving the problem. In my mind, I was probably planning to hit it big in Vegas and then move out. The same issues we had before we got married, we had after we got married. The trip and the planning of it just seemed to have put the argument on hold. Sure enough, we resumed said argument in the airport in Vegas on the way back home. I told Gregory that as soon as I got home I was getting an annulment (This was not the last of our airport telenovelas).

     We have been together 19 years and we still have the same argument from that day. I ask him, "Are we decorating for Christmas?" "Are we going to stay home or travel for the holidays?" "Who do you want to send gifts to for business or family?" I ask these questions because I am a planner and a budgeter. I budget my money and my time. His response is, "I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead." Later that day, my son brings in the mail and there is a postcard from a company that will string your lights on the house for you. Greg calls the company; they come out the next day, and there the decision is made that we are staying home for the holidays. The decorations are done . . . in his mind. In my mind, the conversation has not yet been had. 

      And this folks is what goes on in marriages all across the land: two conversations, two plans, and two very different ways of doing things. There was a time when my feelings would have been hurt because the conversation was left unfinished. I would have felt discounted and unheard. Today that will not be the case. Today if he goes ahead and spends that money on the lights, and we do finish the conversation, and together decide not to stay home then so be it. If I decide I want to travel and he decides he does not then so be it. Today we know that we could even spend Christmas apart from each other, and we would be fine. Back in the day however, I would have sworn he didn't love me, and I wasn't a priority. We have learned over almost two decades of partnership that my issues are not his, and his issues are not mine.

     The thing to note is that marriage is more of a merger than a partnership. 50/50 is not going to cut it for marriage. What would be the point? Two halves joining forces to make a whole is no guarantee of success. The reason is this. Under this framework, if I am having an off day and he is having an off day at the same time, which happens, then we may wind up with 50% energy and effort. Well hell, I can be alone and give my own life 50% energy. Now this may not matter when it comes to dirty dishes in the sink, but when you are a saver and she is a spender, it will matter big time should you join your monies.

     Under the merger dynamic, the goal is to bring together two thriving conglomerates in order to create a super power. No one should get married if he or she is not strong in mind, body, and spirit. You would be better off staying single. Why ruin two lives?

     Tyler Perry made another movie entitled, "I Can Do Bad by Myself." I definitely subscribe to this philosophy. Early in my marriage, I think I left Gregory every October and went back home to my mom's place. Every October like clockwork as the end of the year approached, I surmised that I needed my life to have meaning and depth. If I felt like we as a couple were in rut, I left said rut and bolted for the door. Hell, I could be stale and boring alone, and I always learned that it was me being stale and boring in my own life. There was even one year when we almost did not make it back for the rebuild, and divorce was eminent. Yet rebuild we did to become stronger than ever until we weren't.

Last year cooking for Thanksgiving listening to Tamar Braxton's song, "Love and War," I cried all kinds of tears into the mashed potatoes. By Christmas, I decided we should get a divorce to which Gregory replied, "Okay." He said, "you are always trying to leave me so okay." He took the kids to the weekend house, and I was home alone with myself. It didn't take long before we were texting and calling each other. Sitting at home in complete silence of course led me to the Internet. It was there that I dealt with the frustration I was having that I blamed on my marriage.

     The truth was that I had felt small knots on my neck and worried that some form of cancer was coming back. I have no thyroid so it couldn't be thyroid cancer again. On the Internet, I learned that lymphedema is common is cancer survivors so needless to say I was relieved because all signs pointed towards that. While on the Internet, I found out about the Mt. Shasta climb which I signed up for and completed this June. I learned that lymphedema is helped by massage. So not needing too much of a reason, I increased my monthly appointments to the Four Seasons Spa. After dealing with what was stressing me out, a few massages, and something exciting to look forward to, I was ready to be married again.

          So here we are one year later more in love than ever. Marriage is still a motherfucker, but then again so is working out, house training two puppies (another blog another time), and driving in city traffic. The difference is within a marriage it is easier to blame the other person involved than it is to look at oneself and ask, "what's your problem."

      I, unlike Oprah, have never had a problem with the famous line from Jerry Maguire, "you complete me." If you have learned like I learned over almost two decades, marriage can complete you. When I am not at 100%, my husband fills my gaps and makes me a whole person and then some. The key to a great marriage is to never allow yourself to fall below 80% as an individual because then the marriage merger suffers. I feel that if you are at 80% then you are a thriving individual in life. So if within the marriage both people stay above that line then at the very least we will be at 160%. Just a little bit more than one and a half person.

     A power couple consists of two people in the 90% range at all times. This looks like me being strong in mind, body, and spirit and so is my partner. This means I can go far alone, like say 11,100 feet up a mountain on the west coast. However being part of a power couple means that I will have help to limp through three airports, with two kids, and make it to my first day of summer classes on time on the east coast two days later. Which we did.

     Later this month, we are traveling to Florida (boycott ended) for a wedding. I feel like I get the best of both worlds. I get to travel at holiday time and then I get to come back home and spend more holiday time chillin' with the family. More perks and benefits from a successful merger.

     It will be a second try at marriage for the couple whose wedding we are attending. My prayer for them will be that as they come together for their second marriages they will do so as whole and secure individuals first. Doing so will make the union stronger for the long haul. I myself have learned this lesson from my 2nd, 3rd, 4th and now 17th marriage. I have just recreated wedded bliss with the same person over all these years.

Take care of you 1st!

Bow Down Indeed!

So here I sit back at home after attending the funeral of my dad's oldest brother. Uncle Bobby died at age 72. My birthday is 7/2/72 so a few lessons were mine to claim. All was well until I decided to voice my opinion along with everyone else at the family card game afterwards. Who did I think I was?

Unfortunately, I remembered the Chris Rock comedy skit too late. He basically says when you are the one with the money then you can't have an opinion. But later for that. Why do I have to shrink who I am to please other folks and their insecurities. I too have heard the scripture, "If meat offends my brother then I will not eat." but someone please tell me what to do if my breathing is offending someone. Well I have decided to find my breathing space somewhere else.

Let me not send the wrong message. When certain family members saw that I was hurt they rallied around me to assure me that I was loved, I was valued, and that I was not, in their eyes, considered the second class citizen that I felt like. So we hugged it out and we will see where it all goes.

I am writing this blog because I learned a very valuable lesson. It is a lesson that every Mogul Mom needs to learn the first time it is taught. Well I have finally got it after many lessons. I am worthy to be loved. It is just that simple, I am worthy to be loved. Anyone who does not value you or me then later for them. No matter who they are.

On another note. Last time I blogged I was sitting in Starbucks chillin'. So much has happened since then. That day I managed to meet up with a friend in NYC and treat her to the awesome Beyonce' concert as a birthday gift. Yep, this Mogul Mom went to two Beyonce' concerts in one long weekend.

The first concert on Saturday was all family. I took my sisters, the hubby, and all four kids. The concert on Monday was girls night out and Mrs. Carter delivered the goods. Could the concert have gotten better in two days? Yep!

I got to witness the Carter Clan at work. Beyonce' sang, Diva just as well as she did on Saturday but then she dropped down into a trapped door for what I know now was a quick wardrobe change. She emerged and went right into singing her controversial song, Bow Down B*tches. That in and of itself was Amazing! but before we could just appreciate all her Houston flair, out comes Brooklyn Native Son, Jay-Z to sing Tom Ford. It was the truth! That is a phrase we 90's militant rappers used to say something was as righteous as it can get. This performance from Mr. and Mrs. Carter was just that...righteous.

Pure talent is still appreciated by this Mogul Mom. Success is valued by me even more when I see others who have achieved it but still are down to earth and hardworking. I have been to concerts with some lazy performers. To see that Beyonce' put her heart into both concerts equally without missing a beat...man give me some of that energy. So to the haters of the world, I may change the name of my playlist from Facedown to Bow Down!

I'm A Grown Woman. I Can Do Whatever I Want!

So here I sit in Starbucks on 78th & Lexington in NYC reading & writing all morning on a Monday. My boys #2 & 3 are in Scitech Camp until 3pm. So I am waiting on the time to pass. What a difference two decades make. Who knew the things I did while homeless would be yuppie chic one day. The big difference is today, I have money to buy 'whatever I want,' I have a few homes to go back to, and my bags are now Louis Vuitton.  Dreams definitely do come true.

The boys' classroom for the week is Central Park and various places around the city that will teach them about the science of nature. Son #1 is back on his classes at NYFA and loving New York in the summertime. Before we got here for our visit he emailed me a photo of himself, "wrecking shop at Double Dutch." His ability to get the crowd amped got him noticed, and he made yet another business contact via business card. My good mommy plan is to buy him a business card holder to keep his contacts in order.

Well my summer is wrapping up with the submission of my first screenplay for my screenwriting class on Wednesday. The final assignment is to complete the first Act, a tag line, and a step by step outline of the entire movie that I am writing. How awesome! I decided to update this blog while taking a break from writing dialogue (that rhymes).

Here's what you missed: in May I sent out 10 copies of Wendy Williams' new book, Ask Wendy, as Mother's Day gifts. I hope someday someone will buy lots of copies of my book and give them as gifts. I am so close. Wendy's book was great, by the way. No one gives advice as well as Wendy. Btw, we got to see her last night after her evening performance in the broadway musical, Chicago. She was great as usual. I got to tell her that I bought two wigs from her new wig line with Especially Yours.

Anyway, I am going backwards, better in the blog than in life.

On Saturday, my family and I had the distinct pleasure of once again seeing Beyonce' aka Mrs. Carter perform in her hubby's hometown. She was great as usual. Does excellence ever get old? I sure hope not. I will be buying Beyonce' concert tickets for the rest of my life. She makes me glad I am a black girl, a feeling I only get from Beyonce', Michelle Obama, Wendy Williams, and of course Ms. Oprah Winfrey. Btw, Gayle King and her daughter were at the concert rocking out like they were glad to be Black Girls that rock as well.

Oooh that reminds me of a story; my sweet Caucasian hubby finally wore the t-shirt I bought for him out in public and the reactions he got were almost unbelievable. The t-shirt said, Black Girls Rock! Seeing as his wife and daughter make the statement true, I thought how apropos. But wow did it rub some people in a certain kind of way to see a Caucasian man wearing a shirt that says Black Girls Rock! He experienced more black folks having a negative reaction than whites.

Well it was a precursor to the conversations of the summer. A Cheerios commercial sparked controversy when it portrayed a biracial couple. Followed shortly thereafter by the Paula Deen disaster. May I go on record as saying I still love Paula Deen. I too unfortunately, in the past, have used the horrible n-word, but then per Avenue Q., the musical, I believe "Everybody's a Little Bit Racist." It is not something to get up in arms about, instead let's keep having intelligent conversations about race and bias in America. Start with the September issue of Essence magazine with Kelly Rowland on the cover. There is a great article inside that sheds light on unconscious bias.

With all that said, I join the boycott of Florida. I will not spend any of my money there until they change their, "stand your ground laws." I have three black boys that I pray to God for the strength to see them safely into adulthood and beyond without racism negatively affecting them permanently. The conversation that every black boy must hear to prepare him to save his own life when faced by a scared Caucasian with a gun, is a rites of passage activity, unfortunately. Trayvon Martin and Emmett Till will forever be honored by any success my three black boys have in this life.

Back to blogging, on Friday in New York we got to see the very incredible musical, Kinky Boots. A great story about the plight of a different kind of black boy that is equally important. Watch the movie if you can't make it to Broadway.  It made me want to buy some new high heel shoes. When I learn to post videos and photos you can see first hand how Joe does retail therapy. (I need an assistant!)

Prior to coming to NYC, I wrapped my summer term at Harvard Summer School. Like I mentioned earlier on Wednesday I submit my final assignment via email. I love technology. I had to withdraw from my government class due to the fact that it conflicted with my plans to see Beyonce' this weekend, but alas I learned a lot about our government and politics in general.

And finally the report from the mountain top. Yes, I, Joe Williams-Nelson did manage, without injury to my body or my ego, to climb Mt. Shasta in California. It was definitely as hard as the marathon but not as inspirational as the marathon. I climbed to 11,100 feet before having to come back down in the dark of night. The staff at the Breast Cancer Fund is amazing to say the least. However, I will never do that shit again. Next on my list is a triathlon in Chicago by the time I turn 50. This gives me 9 years to learn to swim, but my 8 year old tells me I am a fast learner. He is teaching me more and more whenever we have access to a pool. Thank God for the Ritz Carlton in Boston. It was a lifesaver when the 13 year old decided not to come back to the summer apartment for the weekend. He was in Gamers' Academy at Harvard, and the baby boy was stuck with the parents for two weeks without his big brother.

Well, I have definitely gone passed my break time. "Back to Business" for this writer.

I will wrap with this little tidbit about progress. In this very crowded Starbucks, I have shared my small table with at least four people who happen to be beautiful Caucasians. One man set up his computer and worked right across from me; another man ate his lunch then left; now a lady who has finished her meal sits across from me reading. Even when other tables opened up they remained. God is Amazing! I pray you are loving life as much as me these days.
Stay blessed. Until next time . . .


Take care of you.

Traveling and Training

Let's see, since getting back from Vegas, I went to Chicago for a doctor's appointment, Atlanta for the Final Four games, and am going to Punta Cana next week with my hubby. All is great on the home front with adult kid #1 helping out a lot with kids #'s 3 & 4.

The boys are doing their lessons every day and they love, love, love their music lessons. God blessed us with finding a Heroclix league for them to attend every week. They absolutely love this. They learn more about the game and always come home with a new Heroclix action figure. The game of Heroclix is like chess and Stratego combined with comic book characters. I am so proud that my boys are fanboys/nerds.

I am behind on blogging. . . maybe. I have been posting my opinion on a lot of message boards. It is great fun. I never get into any debates but I always get likes on my comments. You can find my big mouth and opinionated self, commenting on Huffington Post blogs, OWN TV message boards, Bravo TV message boards and blogs, and of course I occasionally make comments to let Ms. Wendy Williams know she is doing a great job. I am either MamaJoe7272 or MogulMom7272. Having an Internet presence is  important for selling books.

Today I will be joining my friend's new service she created to support self-published author and illustrators. Society for Independent Authors & Illustrators. Speaking of best friends, I am more than pleased to announce that the hubby and I have been chosen to be godparents for Justice David Washington.

I am training real hard for my mountain climb in June. Mt. Shasta, I am almost ready for you. I am carrying a 30 lb. pack on the treadmill and on Sunday I completed a 5k in 45 minutes. I found 100 steps to add to my elevation training in Cahokia, IL. Remember the Breast Cancer Fund is my charity for the climb. Donations, info about the climb, and the work of the Breast Cancer Fund can be found on their website.

Until next time...stay fly.

Vegas . . . right where I left it.

I got home from Vegas yesterday and am happy. Vegas is like Disney World for adults. I went to the Maroon 5 concert. The opening acts were Owl City and Neon Trees. The lead singer of Neon Trees was the best performer of the night. He gave great energy, he danced, and put his heart into every song. I am now a new fan. I liked a few of their songs that I heard on the radio but now I am his fan. Tyler Glenn rocks. I wish him much success. He was like a cross between Mick Jagger and Atom Ant.

Now on to the main event of the night. Maroon 5 was very good. Adam Levine is definitely a talent. He sang effortlessly and seemed to have fun. He did not seem to connect to the audience much. I could have avoided the seat hoggers; Kim K. wannabes; vomiting, stumbling drunks; and the groupies by watching the concert on an HBO special. However, Adam Levine was a sight to behold in person at least once. He made the concert more personable towards the end when he got the audience to sing "She Will Be Loved" in rippled sync with, "Won't go Home." It was great. He left us with the advice to, "enjoy the days when your f***ing neck doesn't hurt" as his way of saying he is older and more appreciative of life.

The person trying to connect with the audience was guitarist James Valentine aka Jimmy V. He gave great hair and had a few guitar solos. He impressed me considering, I never paid much attention to any other members of Maroon 5 save for the one black guy, and that was just to notice that there was a black guy in the band. I wish them luck as they navigate their future endeavors amidst the newly heightened brand that is Adam Levine.

On another note, Vegas was great but there were moments when it was not. My advice to a few of the people who make Vegas was it is and isn't is that you still have a chance to keep our relationship in tact. Make some positive changes while you still can, and we can avoid a breakup. Practically every town has a casino close by so why still go to Vegas? Well the good parts begin with the trendiness of it all. It's Vegas baby and no other place on earth is going to stimulate like Vegas. Anticipation is everything.

I had my first Guiness in honor of St. Patrick's Day and it was quite tasty to this non-beer drinker. We ate at Ri Ras Irish Pub in the Mandaly Bay and it was better than superb. Shepherd's Pie will be my last meal. We went to a small tourist trap of a bar called Minus 5 as in degrees. The concept was great but I would never make a second visit. That is essentially the draw of Vegas, balancing things you want to go back and do again and again with the one time experiences. For instance I will never waste my time using the concierge at the Mandalay Bay again. For that matter, I will never stay there again. As convenient as it is to attend a concert close to your hotel room, I found it was not worth it after all. I couldn't play the table games I wanted to, and the one's I did try had dealers who were so cynical and jaded that I preferred the cold comfort of a good slot machine. There was an electronic craps games that drew a crowd right outside the Eye Candy lounge and that was big fun. The people we played with were a riot and good music was close by.

Speaking of Eye Candy lounge it was a saving grace. Big ups to the deejay, servers, security, and bartenders for holding it down. It was my best club experience in Vegas to date. I got married in Vegas so going back for mini vacations is always sentimental. I won't complain about the taxi drivers or any lines because over the years I have come to appreciate these as part of the attraction of Vegas, great for people watching and getting the local lowdown from taxi drivers.

The best thing after Eye Candy lounge at Mandalay Bay was the poolside atmosphere and the cabana service. It was the highlight of my trip and that is saying a lot considering I was there to see Adam Levine. So to all the servers working hard in Vegas, you are definitely appreciated by this Chicago chick who has been visiting your city for 20 years now. You could never be replaced by a computer and that is great. When I celebrate my tenth visit to Vegas hopefully this blog will be more popular and I can give proper shout outs to you people who make the visits memorable. Maybe we will head there when my baby girl turns 21.

Btw, Coco was a no show for the Peep Show and it was still a great and fun attraction. I saw it with Mel B. and Kelly Monoco and now with all the less than famous folks and it was equally great. Maybe Peep Show can save some money and leave the celebrities out of it.

Until next time,
Take care of you.

Purposeful Neglect

Greetings readers,

I know I have not posted regularly. It is due to my busy schedule. I am trying to send my manuscript to print and even that has been pushed to the back burner. Here is what you missed in one girl's life of trying to do and have it all in God's time.

Christmas was spent at home after a quick turnaround trip to Chicago. My sister had Christmas Eve dinner and introduced her boyfriend to the family.

We got back home by 6 am and opened gifts after unpacking, showering, and eating breakfast.

I got my awesome Bose TV from my sweetie. I can hardly wait to watch the Oscars on it.
I bought the hubby a Microsoft Surface. He is glad to join the world of tablet users.
I got my daughter horse riding lessons which is the first step towards horse ownership.
My teenage son got a Jetson scooter to ride around NYC on.
The pre-teen son got a telescope and the 7 year old got a microscope.

Those were all the main gifts. However, my daughter cried when her little brother got her a fish to keep her company in her apartment. My twelve year old cried when Santa brought him the new Assassin's Creed game. It was great fun. Everyone got what they needed and wanted.

We rang in the New Year in Boston, MA. My classes at Harvard began on January 3rd. So we road tripped to the east coast. We dropped my son off at his dorm and then stayed in the Residence Inn for three weeks while I attended class on campus. I got two "A-" grades by the way.

After Boston we decided to stop in Canada to see the Niagara Falls which were cool and frozen. We got back to Missouri in time to miss the snow storms. I rested at what my husband calls my focus house instead of a vacation house in West Plains. I get to delegate housework to the husband and focus on myself and my needs more.

The boys played with the cats, dogs, and chickens and I treated myself to twice weekly massages. I enrolled in Spring classes but withdrew to prioritize this manuscript once and for all.

Easier said than done considering I am climbing a mountain in June for the Breast Cancer Fund. The first week of February, I flew out to San Francisco for a whole day of training. We covered fundraising, the environmental causes of breast cancer; we listened to survivors of the disease who intend to climb, and former climbers who were returning to continue to support the cause they believe in. If anyone is out there reading this fabulous blog feel free to donate to the The Breast Cancer Fund in support of my climb. Look for me on their website. I do not have a link just now because I am too lazy to make it a priority task.

On another note, I stayed in the St. Regis hotel and it was perfect considering the long day at the Breast Cancer Fund office followed by a 3 hour urban hike through San Francisco streets, park steps, and hills. I wore the wrong shoes, and my shins were screaming by the time I was back in my hotel room watching Suze Orman.

So I am training everyday for this 14,000 feet climb up Mt. Shasta, taking care of my kids and home, and still tightening up my manuscript. The Holy Spirit is definitely holding me up.

Please forgive my neglect of this blog. Mogul Moms must prioritize their tasks daily to keep on top of things that cannot go by the wayside. My attempts at hiring my daughter as my personal assistant went wrong so I put on my big girl panties and worked it all out.

I signed up for personal shopping from Whole Foods. I hired a babysitting service so I can train without lugging the kids around; the sitters I chose are all experienced tutors as well. I tackled 7 loads of laundry in two days. Filled the pantry, freezer, and refrigerator with good healthy food and snacks so we can ride out this ice storm that is heading our way. My son got his second Gardisil vaccination on time. We spent President's Day at the Teacher's Lounge buying new posters for our classroom, which included all 44 presidents.  

So I am finally prepared to go back to my regular routine and schedule. I find that for every month I am away I will most likely be a week behind or rather it will take me a week to get back in sync. 

My next trip is to Vegas in March for the Maroon 5 concert with my friend who really needs a girlfriend's getaway. I need the trip as well. She is my massage therapist and oftentimes she is more therapist than masseuse. She has been a supportive ear while I transition to standing in my truth with the haters in my life. 

So until that next event I leave you with  this quote. 

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.

Richard Bach